Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
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If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant