Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

it’s finally my moment to shine

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.