Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
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Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf