Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
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A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.