Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

Festive toon…

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

zone out

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.