Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

This is my favorite one of these!

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.