The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
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Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE