Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
no way 😭
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?