Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend