Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey