Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
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” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]