Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Dishonest mechanic?

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

🥃

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*