Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

a god among men

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

I gave up going to work for lent.

shakira sharkira

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…