Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

Mistakes were made

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

still the best tweet of the year by far

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”