Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.