They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
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I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.