Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

I hope Alan is OK

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase