Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

all that yoga finally paid off

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

For real 🤣

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January