dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
The sacred texts.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”