dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
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Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
#SuperBowl
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Everything reminds me of my ex
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?