Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

jesus, what did this guy do

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.