Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.