Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am