dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit