Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.