Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
You Might Also Like
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!