Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear