Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
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A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
79.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Every house has this drawer
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Don’t we all.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.