Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
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I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,