Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Bruh
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Me buying fruit and veg
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
This a good idea
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.