Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
You Might Also Like
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
screw you
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…