Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

what could possibly go wrong?

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear