Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
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Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!