Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

Just grow your own

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you