Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

ㅤ

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money