Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?