Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
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friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me when I’m ovulating
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”