Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
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Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining