Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

We decided to have money instead of children.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

I ain’t wearing no wire

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

It’s an epidemic…

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.