Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

hand it over!

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

Incredible customer service.

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!