Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
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Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included