@Browtweaten

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

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@WilliamAder

Auto-correct turned “likeable” into “lickable” and the new intern is confused by her evaluation.

@Wordesse

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

@MeetingBoy

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

@thedadvocate01

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

@bentev28

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

@squirrel74wkgn

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

@CruisinSoozan

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.