DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
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marvel comics have peaked
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.