DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
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My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.