Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

Best seat on the street 😍

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.