Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.