dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
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When you let grandma cat sit
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
this came to me in a vision
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”