[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
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I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Real bees work best
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]