[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
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[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”