[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Sunday
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him