[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
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When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework