dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
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I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
!!!!!!!!!!!
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
