dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
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Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Kids: Stay in school.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Stop.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did