Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

Bloody internet 😳

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor: