Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Glasses

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil