Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
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Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing