Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

*limbos under the caution tape

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.