Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

Doctors texting each other.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Snack for election night!

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny