Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
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accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*