Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
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*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Every house has this drawer
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
live long and prosper!
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.