Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
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*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?