Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail