Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

#JohnTravolta

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster