Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

im 7 sauces long

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.