Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

How does someone manage that 🤨

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

Yes 😂

Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you