Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
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BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Erm…
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.