Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

🤣

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.