[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
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Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more