Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.