Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

not to brag, but mine was free

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

did it work

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere