Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

i will avenge u mr van gogh

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.