Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

ㅤ

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy