Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
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me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I’d use my best pan on you.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.