Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
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Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I’m not lazy
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
No one can handle that
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.